Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
