I hate your face
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I touched a dick in church today
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