Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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