I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
