i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
