once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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