He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
