when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
