god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
