I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
