I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
