Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
4 words: hood of his car
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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