i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
