A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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