It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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