You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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