My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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