Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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