I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
