As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
