My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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