I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
