I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
