1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Are we in a gay sports bar?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Randomize
