My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I need a burrito and a hug.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
