did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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