I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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