Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
