Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
