Me too!
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
