I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
