Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
