You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
