two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Randomize
