we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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