First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
