Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Randomize
