whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Still dying that you shit outside
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
