Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
