Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
