He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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