I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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