To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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