I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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