"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i wish my penis had a tongue
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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