She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
