eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
