matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
