Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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