Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
