YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize