im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
