i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
