someone threw a dead crab at me
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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