Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
