There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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