Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
