i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
the day after is always just damage control
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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