I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
