I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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