i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
