i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
