Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Sorry my hands just texted you
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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