Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
