Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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