So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
